Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Random, Early Morning Reflective Thoughts

Just sitting here awake at wee hours due to an accident while someone slept,
treasuring my little girls and realizing my age and the age difference between us.
I'm fifty, when they are fifty, I most likely will not be here on earth, I'd be 90 and 95, respectively.
So I squeeze them now. I hug and kiss them, strike their soft, sweet cheeks and snuggle in the warmth of their clean bed with my girls. I love to listen to their deep, even breathing as they sleep peacefully. 

Yes, I recommend having babies when you are young but I treasure having had these babies while I was already (unjustly) deemed geriatric. These girls keep me young, no idea what "fifty" is supposed to be. I used to think fifty meant near the end because of a trick of my step grandfather told us he was fifty on his seventy fifth birthday, and we believed everything he told us. The sweet man died two years later of heart failure. God rest his soul.

Lilly fears losing me, I don't relate my thoughts to her as I have here. She wakes and panics if she can't find me. "Mom, I have that feeling." What feeling? "That you're dead." I'm here, all is well. It happens almost daily, I am with her all day. She's very imaginative, sometimes it goes scary. The nightmares have mostly stopped, thank God.

I love the quiet time of Advent. Since moving to the country,  we have slowed down. Since we are still new to this area, we don't have too many activities to have to stop to enjoy the season. Quiet, reflective and sometime lonely times are our way of life. I love the quiet, but two of my extroverts try to fill in the silence as much as possible.

I'll be honest and admit the hardest part of the season is balancing gifts for Christmas. It's something I have to consciously keep from worrying over. It probably matters more to me in some fairness exercise that can't ever balance due to ages and all differences, but I believe it balances over a lifetime.

I'm also a party pooper when it comes to Santa Claus. I love Saint Nicholas. I'm not a fan of Santa. Sorry to be a bummer mama.  We don't make visits, due to my first babies total fear of strangers, but the girls wrote letters this year. You can't escape it. Sweet country girls ask my kids, "What did you tell Santa to bring you?" Sales clerks ask if they've been good for Santa. I haven't become such a curmudgeon not to play along. 

We are counting down the days of Advent by praying together in candlelight, adding to the Jesse tree and reading OT readings. We are cleaning out clothes, books and toys to donate.

No Bah humbug, we have lots of cheer, and tittering and excitement. 

We are reading Dicken's Christmas Carol as our read aloud this week. As familiar as I am, there are parts that still bring tears to my eyes. My kids always ask, are you ok, mom? Yes! It just makes me sad.  

We are also have some incredible conversations from C. S. Lewis' Mere Christianity. Even touchy topics like human sexuality. Very good for reading and discussing together. We are also reading Christian Apologetics by Father Laux for Ccd. A good year for conversation with Euly 14 and Nick 16.

In farm news, Our new  black baby lamb vanished yesterday.

 Euly took this photo in the morning, and by midday, the mama showed up agitated, alone. We don't know what happened, I'm sad, all my kids are sad, even ones who don't live here. We hope it isn't suffering somewhere. We spent hours yesterday walking the property in hopes of finding it. The mama ran around upset here and there sticking close to the herd.
It seemed too big to be hawk prey. Three neighbors dogs were spotted on our property by the creek. Could have been anything.  It seems crazy to hope it's ok. 

We discovered her last week on a nature walk.

And sought them out every day since.

Another ewe looks about ready, may just lock her up for her own good. 

Craig finished the installation of the wood burning fireplace in our bedroom. He wanted to break it in last night, but it wasn't going to drop under 50. We still have sheetrock repair, paint, build siding chimney box to cover smoke stack. But what a job! Craig isn't afraid to take on anything. 

I'd like to paint our bedroom over Christmas break. I have decided on a wood bark grey color.

He also installed string lights on front and back porches. We have a strand left over for a spot in the woods. 


Craig has been planning Christmas dinner. We are hoping to have a New Year's Eve celebration, although many who normally come are out of the country this year. Life changes quickly, trying to hold on to a tradition.

This break is most likely the last period Molly will live here. Sadness and joy fill me. She starts college up again in January in and apartment with a long lease, including two summers, so no reason to come here to settle, when rent is paid there. I'm sure she will still come home some, but she's on her way to independence.  I'm so proud of her, she  has made such great progress. Dual credit pushed her ahead. Starting in her sophomore year and now she's considering a masters program to finish in about the same time as a four year degree. She made four A's and we are waiting to hear about the fifth. Craig takes them out for a nice celebration dinner when it's a 4.0 semester. 

I am not pushing the dual credit with Nick, it works for some, others are better to a slower pace. We will start his senior year. I'm still treasuring my time with him schooling at home.

This post has taken a couple of days, but I'm in the same position as when I started: wee hours, listening to my girls sleep. I'm letting them sleep late.  We had friends over yesterday til pretty late. I hate for them to leave and offer them to stay over instead of making the long drive home in late hours, with everyone sleepy, but they always say next time. So I stay up later cleaning and praying for their safe travels. It was memorable since their oldest daughter came to visit with my oldest daughter, longtime friends and a rare treat for both our husbands to be here together. I never get the camera out because the visits are always very full of visiting, cooking, cleaning for next meal. Fulfilling. We did have some quiet time together on the porch under the gas heater with a glass of wine.
I got this one while Lilly crashed on my shoulder.

Happy Thursday!


  1. "Yes, I recommend having babies when you are young but I treasure having had these babies while I was already (unjustly) deemed geriatric"
    I get this, I really do. The two babies I had in my late 30s/early 40s have just added a new dimension to me. Savour with a capital S is what I do.

    Your verandah looks stunning! Natural posts too, did you install them?

    Ah yes I understand, we have a few 'mollys' in our life too, bittersweet. How is her health?

    Yes all different routes, each child has a unique path to travel.

    Merry Christmas

    1. Erin, I treasure your comments. Molly is well, thank you, a little recent issue with wisdom teeth removal recovery, but the spine is feeling great.

      The cedar posts were already here, but we stripped the unsightly bark and stained clear. The new house satin color offsets more now. :) My favorite spot.

      Please post how you all celebrate Christmas. I can't imagine swimming season with snow themes, so you must have a whole different outlook.

      Merry Christmas to you!

  2. Love this! I too reflect on motherhood at 50, since I have no experience with not being a "geriatric" mother I can't compare...but I love having younger kids at this age in my life. Your house looks beautiful at Christmas time. So sad about the lamb! Hope to see you soon and catch up!

    1. Carol!!
      Yes! I have missed our visits and think we need to catch up a bunch over this break!
      Still sad about the lamb, probably lucky she's the first we lost. The roster is getting out of hand, he attacked the county appraiser the other day. :0

  3. Hello! I am dropping by to greet you and your family a most blessed Christmas and a better 2016! I love this post, Mary; in many ways, it IS a prayer straight from a mom's heart. Hey, your new blog appearance is neat. I especially love your header photo :-). God bless you all richly and always!

    1. Thank you for stopping by Marcia!
      And always, thank you for your kind comments.
      Wishing you abundant blessings in the new year!